 - When did you first become aware of a desire to stimulate yourself sexually? What triggered it? How did you do it? How did you feel? Did you have to hide it from others? How did it influence your further sexual life?
Constant desire for sex came to me rather early – at school. It was because of the guy from our class, I fell in love with. The boy paid no attention to me (he did not pay much attention to girls in general), but I suffered a lot…
I was trying hard to win his attention, called on the phone him every day (supposedly, to ask about the home task), even unambiguously played a few love tunes for him on the piano (what a fool :-)). Hopeless. The guy understood nothing, or refused to.
I pined away… At night my anguish began. He came to me in my fantasies, he was mine… He would undress and lay down by my side, we embraced, caressed each other… I was driving myself sick with sexual arousal and lassitude, could not fall asleep, tossing and turning and suffering. But could not help myself – just did not know how (I even could not imagine that there were ways to).
Mother saved me (an awful family secret is about to be revealed). She knew about my affection and, judging by the way I behaved, must have guessed the nature of my torment. One night she came into my room to catch me right in the middle of my suffering.
‘What is the matter with you?’ – she asked concerned. Then added with a smile: ‘Are you thinking of him?’ I said “My belly aches’ (what was almost true :-)). She turned the night lamp on, and set on the bed by my side. Said: ‘Sleep now and think of him’. And began stroking my belly.
Gradually, her hand descended lower and soon I realized that it was not already my belly that she massaged… The sensation was fantastic. As if everything that tormented me, being dissolved in the whole of my body now gathered in one place suddenly and the feeling in that spot was in total possession and control of the skillful and dexterous fingers.
My arousal and sexual feeling did not go away, they were transformed into a different sensation, some sort of sweet contentment. The kind that did not make me feel like tossing and turning in bed, but lie back, relax and drown in it. It did not come ‘out of nowhere’ and on its own, but from a very particular spot on the body and it could be control by the movement of fingers.
That was important for me in that first sex lesson. The feeling that plunged on me from nowhere, tortured, possessed, controlled and made me toss about, was transformed into understandable and controllable pleasant sensation.
Of course, rational realization of the fact did not come at once, but even the very first experience calmed me down. There was no embarrassment, besides, mother, a smart woman, did not go overboard with it. She did not touch my naked body, just touched me through my panties (although very thin ones). Nothing unnecessary, nothing that could embarrass me. Just soft rhythmical pushes and circular movements at a known spot.
That was why it did not cause intensification of arousal. On the contrary, the arousal subdued gradually and I was falling asleep in sweet dreams with a smile of my face. There were a few more mother’s lessons. On my own initiative I came up to mother with special words ‘my belly aches’ and each time I was granted the necessary comfort.
At one of those ‘therapy sessions’ I felt my mother took my hand and put it on my pubis. Put my middle finger at the right spot, covered it with hers and began her movements. The result was basically the same, only I was doing it myself. And it worked just as great. 2 or 3 more of such classes and to my next complain about aching belly, mother said ‘Now do it yourself’.
Put my hand in place, kissed me, closed the door and left. Since that I began to master the techniques myself. Nobody interfered. Nobody would ever enter my room after I went to bed. Probably even my father was given certain instructions. :-)
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